


Renegades

by Miss_Vanderwaal



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-13 10:52:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4519086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Vanderwaal/pseuds/Miss_Vanderwaal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You never know where you're gonna find a potential best friend. Sometimes they're in a corner, sitting quietly while waiting for a warm smile or a slightly caring glance that could change their opinion on themselves forever. The truth is that a compliment or a "do you mind if I sit with you?" can literally save the life of someone consumed by loneliness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Can we start over?

**Author's Note:**

> If I could only tell you guys two things about me, these would be it:
> 
> 1- I love Mona Vanderwaal with all that I am (my username kinda shows it a little).
> 
> 2- I love Vandermarin with all that I am as well.
> 
> I feel like there's an infinity to talk and write about Hanna and Mona's relationship, which is for sure complicated but, to me, incredibly genuine, especially in those "pre A" years, when they both were bullied by Alison (which is the theme for this particular story).
> 
> Ps: I'm Brazilian and this is my very first fanfic written in English, so I'm very sorry for the mistakes that are hidden in here (which I wasn't able to correct because I didn't acknowledge them yet). 
> 
> Ps²: I've done some editing here lately (2017) because, well, there were, indeed, a lot of mistakes among these thousands of words (again, I'm very sorry for those of you who read this story right when I posted it, back in 2015), and I guess I'll never really stop editing. But that's life, after all. Writing is rewriting :)

   The girls and I had our last classes separately. I left the biology lab exhausted, as if the day had taken more from me than it usually did. As I started walking away from the school building, I saw Alison and Aria with linked arms walking ahead, fast, as if they were trying to run away from someone. They were already pretty far from where I was, so, instead of trying to run after them, I just reached for the wrapped peanut butter sandwich that had been put in my purse early in the morning for emergencies. Although, before unwrapping it, I heard Alison's voice in my head.

\- Do you really wanna leave Hefty Hanna behind? – she had said to me once, in that classic sweet tone of hers, which usually meant she was both pitying me and ready to laugh at me – So leave behind these snacks you eat between classes, especially the ones with peanut butter and jelly. The combination is the worst poison ever created by the civilized men, believe me.

   After finishing with the little speech, she had snatched the sandwich from my hands and thrown it away.

\- I’m being your friend, Hanna – she had claimed then, pushing a lock of my hair behind my ear.

   _Screw you, Barbie!,_ I said to myself, shaking my head to push away the memory and taking a bite out of the sandwich that was now with me.

   Alison and Aria were already turning left on the next corner when I saw a tiny girl dressed in pink walking slowly in the opposite direction, as if she was making her way back to school. It was Mona. She had her shoulders down and her arms around her books. It was exactly why a few nice people often called her "the poor nerdy girl who has no friends" - the rest of the school was just used to make fun of her.

   Mona was, now, for some reason, looking even more crestfallen than she normally did and I was already starting to feel bad for her. It went without saying that the girl had tried to reach Alison and Aria with the intention of starting a conversation, as usual, and it was predictable as well that Aria had been forced by Alison to also pretend Mona was completely invisible, because, of course, no one would ever dare to disagree with Alison DiLaurentis. She was kind of our queen bee; her wishes, indirectly or – mostly – not, were our commands.

    I, more than anyone, knew that Alison was able to behave as a total bitch during, like, ninety-eight percent of the time she spent awake, but Mona seemed to always focus on the margin of error of that percentage. Most of the time, the short brunette was just as naïve as a five year-old and saw the best in people.

   It was amazing, actually, how even after countless public humiliations, Mona would still make excuses for Alison’s grumpy temper. 

\- Maybe she has the cramps today – she often supposed.

   But now that she was coming unintentionally close to me, it seemed like her long-lasting bit of hope was finally gone.

\- Mona? – I called her when we were close enough, trying hard to sound sweet but not fake like Alison – Is everything okay?

   Mona's curious, almost disbelieving, gaze went up to my eyes. I wouldn’t have expected anything else, really, because we had never interacted much with Mona except for sheepish smiles and head nods between classes. In fact, that lame kind of interaction had been part of our routine ever since seventh grade. And by _we_ I mean Aria, Emily, Spencer and I because, in almost three years, all Alison ever limited herself do to when seeing Mona at school was roll her eyes and sometimes mumble under her breath an “Argh, there comes the loser” – not that she had ever given a crap about being heard, of course. The four of us used to laugh at it at first, but it had stopped being funny a long time ago.

\- Yeah, I’m fine – she tried to smile.

\- It doesn’t seem like it – I gazed quickly at the end of the street. – What did Alison say to you this time?

\- Nothing – she claimed, sniffing subtly, which totally discredited her affirmation –, just that she was in a hurry and didn’t have time to talk. Aria confirmed it.

   _Well, of course Aria confirmed it,_ I thought to myself while nodding. It was crystal clear that Mona was trying to convince herself with that answer much more than she was trying to convince me. Without a single doubt her eyes were sadder than ever before and it was clenching my heart.

   She seemed hopeless after all, broken in a way that seriously worried me. It made me finally feel an urge to make it up to her, badly, but I had no clue on how to do it. Given my lack of ideas, I acted in spontaneity and offered her half of my sandwich. Mona smiled thankfully at me but declined.

   We stood there, in silence, for a few seconds. She seemed too embarrassed to start a conversation and the fact that we were practically strangers – even after almost three years being classmates – frightened me. It seemed like she was about to make another excuse up just so she could leave, and I didn’t want her to. I wanted to make her feel better, to prove to her that I wasn’t one of Alison’s minions.

\- Mona, can I walk you to your house? – I asked after thinking and rethinking about every possible answer she could give me.

   She didn’t respond immediately. Once more, she looked me in the eye, but this time her gaze was cold serious. Through it I could see just how hurt she was and how scared she was of being hurt again.

\- Why would you wanna do that? – she kept staring at me, still in disbelief, as if the question she wanted to ask me was “why would you wanna hang out with someone like me?”.

   I could almost literally see all the pain in those sad light brown eyes, all the suffering, all the crying, all the humiliating pranks. Alison had been involved in so much of all of that! And the four of us had just watched for years, cowardly.

\- Because… I feel that my friends and I have made a mistake by not investing in a friendship with you – I began to articulate the truth slowly, although my voice was faltering because of the urge to cry as well. Alison had  _never_ been my friend. Not mine or anyone else’s. And I was suddenly realizing that she currently did to me everything she currently did to Mona, only using sweeter words so it wouldn’t seem offensive. But it was. More than offensive. Disgusting. – I wanna apologize on behalf of all of us for all that Alison has done. She knows how to be a sweet bitch. That’s why she’s been fooling us for so long and, trust me, I hate it. But I can guarantee you, Mona, the four of us never had anything against you. 

   Mona smiled shyly again, but this time it was visible that she was more confident.

\- I know – she said almost in a whisper, clenching her books a little more against her chest.

\- I would really like to start over – I said, more relaxed now that she actually seemed to believe me –, or maybe just _start_ something, because, like, we don’t have much to start over with. So, would you want that?

   Mona silently nodded, childlike. Another one of those shy smiles was curving her lips. I smiled back, offering her my right arm, which was delicately hooked by her left one, and we started heading to her house.

   After a few steps, I gazed at her from aside. She did it as well and we laughed. Seconds later I noticed that she was blushing. Then, I knew I had started blushing, too, and that felt like happiness.


	2. "Pursuit your dreams!", says a good friend.

   During a quite long period of time we both remained silent, just moving slowly forward. It was a sunny afternoon and a pretty warm one for an early fall. Our arms were still linked and that was still making me happy.

\- Tell me a bit about you – I finally asked, trying as hard as I could to sound nothing but casual.

\- Like what? – her eyes were pinned on the ground.

\- Like... what you usually do after school, what are your hobbies and stuff.

\- My life is not that interesting – she gazed quickly at me, smiling almost sadly.

\- Try it. You never know what is someone else’s concept on interesting – I truly meant it, giving her a confident smile.

   After sighing, Mona ended up telling me that she was taking art classes and mostly learning how to sculpt things using clay. She liked painting and reading as well.

- Impressive – I nodded. – But I guess I've always thought of you as those math maniacs.

   She laughed, and just that sound made me feel like the happiness that was in my chest was not going away anytime soon.

\- I am one of those, too. In fact, even more than an artist, I’d say – she sighed once more. – The thing is that you can hide behind numbers. They don’t require anything from you, except logical ability. They’re hollow. There’s no subjectivity. Or your answer to a math problem is right, or it isn't. And that’s the complete opposite definition of any type of art you can possibly think of. Art can be painful sometimes because it’s strictly personal. It involves your soul.

   I nodded again, smiling. I certainly wasn’t an expert on the art world, but I could feel that Mona talked about it with passion. It was beautiful for sure.

\- Maybe you could show a handmade treasure of yours someday – I suggested softly.

\- Of course, if you really want to – she said in the same tone, looking at me right after finishing the sentence. And the way she did it, her voice especially sweet while she pronounced the last few words, all of it, that lasted for maybe half a second, made my heart skip a beat. - And how about you? Between us, you’re the one with the interesting life. Your troop looks pretty unpredictable. Alison mostly.

   I spent a few seconds thinking about that comment and didn't notice any kind of grudge in Mona’s voice while she was saying Alison’s name. That girl's power of indulgence was beyond comprehension.

   I could perfectly understand why someone like Mona would think that we were the way she thought we were. Until a while ago, I used to think so too, given the fact that I had been the last one that Alison added to the group. But Alison was the unpredictable one, actually, and that counted as a virtue and as a flaw at the same time. The four of us were far from being like that. We were average. And I liked very much when it was just Aria, Emily, Spencer and me. It was comfortable being only with the three of them. In fact, when Alison was not around, I was finally able to be just me.

\- I am not like Alison – I said, feeling my heart pounding crazily inside my chest and desiring once more to tell the one and only truth. – I don’t like the things she does, in any way. I don’t like drinking, I don’t like playing with people’s feelings like she does, I don’t like showing off.

   Mona didn’t reply immediately to that. There wasn’t much to add, actually.

\- What do you do on your free time, then?

\- Well, I spend most of it at the gym – I shrugged.

- Because you want to or because Alison tells you to? – she slowly asked, but it was as if she already knew the answer, which was a given.

\- Ali says it’s important – I looked down before continuing. – She says that if I want to leave Hefty Hanna behind I have to leave behind my lazy habits.

   _She also says that I will never be as pretty as her,_ I thought to myself, _I just have to read between the lines._

   Ah, Ali! The perfect and mesmerizing Ali! The girl who boys wanted to be with and girls wanted to be. The kitty that knew pretty well how to use her claws. With her honey-blonde hair, she thought she was better than everyone else. God, I hated her!

\- Let me rephrase the question – Mona said, clearly not wanting the conversation to go down the sad road again. – What do you _like_  to do on your free time?

   I smiled, genuinely thankful for her being attentive enough to change the subject right when it needed to be changed.

\- I love drawing – I said coyly. – Mostly fashion related stuff. Dresses, clothes in general.

\- Really?

\- Yeah – I smiled again, now rather excited. – I wanna be a fashion designer one day. Like, I think I can get really good at it if I try hard.

   And then I realized we had stopped outside of the white wooden fance that surrounded a lawn; Mona’s lawn. She was face to face with me now.

\- Oh, Hanna! – she gave me the sweetest smile of all up until the moment – That is so fantastic! Way cooler than just wasting your time at the gym.

\- You think so?

\- I absolutely do! – she took my right hand in her left one, since the couple of books were still surrounded by her right arm. Her touch felt warm and soft. – And the gleam that showed up in your eyes just now… it’s beautiful.

   Her light brown eyes were pinned on mine, kind, friendly, gentle. It felt like she could see through me.

\- Don’t ever lose it, okay? – she asked, and then kissed my left cheek.

\- Okay – I agreed, almost voiceless, while she started walking away.

   I simply stood there, stunned, for a moment. I slid the tips of two fingers ever so slightly over my cheek. I was still being able to feel the light pressure of Mona’s lips on it. I didn’t know why, but It felt good, like the warmth of her fingers on mine, only duplicated.

   When I finally turned around to go home, I knew I had to sign out of gym.


	3. Turning point

   When I woke up the next day, I was still overwhelmed by that same sensation of happiness from the day before. I had never experienced the consequences of true benevolence before in my life, and that was exactly why I didn't want such an amazing feeling to leave me. I didn't want _her_ to leave me, and I certainly wouldn't leave her. After all, she was my turning point.

   It was as if I was starting something different with her, something I did not have with the other girls and probably never would have. I loved them, for sure, but maybe they would never be able to really understand me. They were all beautiful and desirable. I wasn’t. And regarding that specific fact, Mona was a lot like me. She was _imperfect._ And she knew, just as exactly as I did, how it felt to be judged because of it.

   It was as if I had embraced and been embraced by a renegade.

   I didn’t properly see Mona until lunch time but I did catch sight of her strolling down the hallways between the classes we had before lunch, always carrying a couple of books with her. At those moments, she discreetly waved and smiled at me; real smiles, of someone who looked happy as well, so happy that I wasn’t able to do anything else other than smile back and ask myself why the hell hadn't I done something sooner in order to deserve those smiles.

   I was with Aria, Emily and Spencer every time Mona passed by me or I passed by her before lunch and they watched our brief interactions with the corner of their eyes, without questioning me, just looking at each other with arched eyebrows, maybe trying to understand since when _that_ had been going on. And I simply didn’t feel the need to explain it yet.

   I also didn’t see Alison until lunch time and I thanked all gods for that. I knew I would not be able to look her in the eye after all the internal reflections I had been doing lately, but it was not like I could just stand in front of her and say “stop messing with people who are not as 'perfect' as you are once and for all!”. She would laugh at me and that was not even what I was really scared of. In fact, I got chills just thinking about what she would do to me if I dared speaking up to her like that.

   _I made you and I can smash you with my thumb._

   It was a very popular line in movies and Alison kept repeating it inside my head in a threatening tone while flames danced within her sapphire-colored eyes. The image would definitely cause me nightmares.

   _I can’t be afraid of her for the rest of my life,_ I thought while staring at my food almost lifelessly, _I have to do something._

   I was alone at one of the cafeteria tables until the moment. My stomach was aching from all the stress and what I was chewing tasted like nothing. I kept searching for Mona with my eyes every five seconds without any luck whatsoever. I was starting to get really worried.

   Aria, Emily and Spencer jointed me simultaneously. I raised my gaze to the three of them.

\- Where is Alison? – I asked nervously.

\- Oh, you know her – Aria said casually, settling her tray onto the table.

\- She loves knowing that people are waiting for her – Spencer added.

   And just like that, about ten minutes later, when we were almost done eating, Ali gracefully showed up. She greeted all of us, breezily, and justified her delay claiming that there was a kilometric line outside the girl’s restroom. I rolled my eyes. She always had an excuse ready and she could go on and on with it.

   I felt my shoulders relaxing when I finally caught sight of Mona walking with her tray, looking for a place to sit. I unconsciously smiled. She saw me doing it and gave me back the gesture, coming straight to our table.

\- Hi, you guys! – she cheerfully greeted, and then focused her gaze only on me – Hanna.

   I felt my cheeks warming up. There was a special attention for me right there. I waved at her, however without saying a word.

\- Hanna, don’t – Alison grabbed my wrist softly, smiling her sweet bitch smile once again and then looking at all of us. – If you ignore it, it will go away.

   My eyes widened as soon as Alison slowly finished the sentence. She made it very clear that she _wanted_ to be heard. The smile faded away from Mona’s lips, but it was as if she already expected such reaction. I, however, didn’t. One thing was Alison badmouthing about someone behind their back; another completely different was her doing that _while_ the victim was standing right then and there. It was more than obvious that she wanted to hurt Mona, as a truly _evil_ person. Alison had never really acted like that before. 

   I wanted desperately to say something to prevent Mona from walking away, but the words weren’t coming out so the small brunette took it as a sign for not to stick around any longer. Although, she tripped over something as she was turning to walk away and the cracking sound of her tray hitting the floor was more than enough for the whole cafeteria to fall into a deadly silence. And a very brief one, of course, because just a couple of seconds later, all I could hear were supressed giggles, Alison’s included.

   Mona just stayed there for a while with her head down and her knees on the cold floor as if the weight of all those gazes on her was too heavy for her to get back on her own two feet. She was struggling not to cry. A tear was already running down my face. I knew exactly how that type of humiliation felt. She was kneeled right beside Alison, which basically meant that the blonde girl did her thing for the incident to happen.

\- Enough is enough, Alison! – I yelled, hitting the table with a fist before going towards where Mona was.

\- Don’t look at me like that! – Alison said, her right palm defensively on her chest – I had nothing to do with it. It’s not my fault she’s such a clumsy.

   I wasn’t listening. Instead, I kneeled down in front of Mona and offered her both of my hands. She took them, with trembling fingers. I helped her stand up again, then sliding my right arm across her back while we walked slowly towards the food counter to get another tray for her. 

   As we got safely away from Alison, Mona started to sob. God, she sounded terribly broken!

\- Shhh – I whispered, kissing the top of her head. – I got you, Mona. I'm here for you, don’t look at them. Just don’t look at them, okay?

   Most of the gazes were still on us, I could still hear annoying little giggles, but Mona just nodded, not daring to raise her own gaze. She still seemed frightened, though, and I did not care about a thing anymore. I just needed to make her feel better.

\- I will never leave you again, do you hear me? – I whispered once more, not giving a crap about how intimate those words sounded.

\- Yeah – Mona leaned a bit against my side –, I hear you.

   In a couple of minutes we were settled at an empty table. Mona didn’t even touch her food, just kept resting her head on my shoulder, vaguely staring at somewhere ahead. And I kept moving my right hand slowly across her back, feeling peaceful once again.

   After some time, I saw Aria, Emily and Spencer walking towards where we were. They had left Alison alone, and I was quite glad. That meant they were really my friends.

\- We just wanted to see if you were okay – Aria gazed shyly at Mona, however with her usual sweet expression.

\- And give this back to you – Emily added, handing Mona the backpack she had left on the floor moments earlier.

\- Thank you – Mona mumbled softly, settling the backpack onto her lap. It seemed as if she was tired after a very long day. – And I’m fine thanks to Hanna – she raised her gaze to my eyes and smiled. I gave her back the gesture.

\- Guys, Mona is a new friend of mine – I announced, happily. – And I’d really like it if she was a friend of yours as well.

   I stared at them all, anxious for an answer, and they nodded, smiling along with Mona. Right after that, I checked the table that Alison was still sitting at.

\- She – I pointed discreetly at the, now, crestfallen blonde – is not included.


	4. Evil's good side

   I didn’t bother showing up for gym class early that afternoon, just remained alone on one of the benches that were spreaded around the courtyard. My gaze was pinned onto a tree that stood about ten feet away from where I was sitting. I was still angry even though everything seemed to have ended up fine moments earlier in the cafeteria. Alison’s words weren’t giving me any type of break.

   The wicked way she had mouthed “If you ignore it, it will go away” was still making me want to throw up or simply punch a wall or – even better – her in the face. Actually, I wanted to rip all the hair from her head, then stick my nails into any part of her body and scratch her until she started to severally bleed.

   For a few seconds I enjoyed the ideia of causing Alison some pain but then I took a deep breath, slightly shaking my head. This was not me. I was not evil like she was. So I started filling my mind with memories of Mona and the moments I had spent with her since the day before. It worked. Suddenly, I felt my heart melting.

   She really was something, wasn't she? With her long brown braids cascading over her shoulders, her thin glasses, her nerdy style.

   I smiled to the air, which had happened a lot since the day before whenever I thought about her, but a soft touch on my knee made me climb out of my daydream.

\- Hanna? – Emily called me, sitting now right next to me, her voice sweet as if she was trying to wake me up – Can I talk to you?

\- Sure – I nodded, still kind of moony.

\- Actually, I just wanted to know if you were okay.

   I inhaled and exhaled rather dramatically.

\- I’m… - I didn’t even know anymore why I was so mad at Ali in the first place – yeah, I’m fine.

\- I’m really glad to hear that. I mean, I never saw you _that_ furious before.

   Half of that sensation of tranquility evaporated from me, giving me back the troubled memories of moments earlier.

\- What type of reaction did you expect from me, Emily? – I asked her, weakly – I mean, you heard what Ali said.

\- I did – she smiled. – I guess your reaction just took me by surprise, because let’s be real, none of us had ever used that tone with her. Han, you were fearless! You stood by one of the “less fortunate” that Ali keeps despising. To sum up, you did what we all should’ve done a long time ago. It was beautiful.

\- Thank you – I smiled frankly, taking her left hand in my right one. – But trust me, Em, she deserved a lot worse.

   I finished the sentence through gritted teeth without even noticing it.

\- Hanna? – Emily called me again softly, trying to look into my eyes – Is there something going on between you and Mona?

   After about three seconds of silence, I blinked at her. The question was way beyond unexpected. I wasn’t sure if there was a hidden meaning to it.

\- What… in heaven’s name do you mean? – I asked articulately, however my heart was already doing its thing of skipping beats again.

\- Well, am I missing something here? Because for all I know you guys had never exchanged long gazes like the ones you did today. Why didn’t you tell us about this knew friendship?

   I sat up straight on the bench. Hearing the word _friendship_  made me start thinking that I had just been "caught in the act" of thinking about Mona more often than I probably should be thinking.

\- Because it literally has less than twenty-four hours.

   Emily frowned, which pulled a sigh out of me.

\- Yesterday after school - I began, finally feeling the need to explain it –, I saw Mona run after Ali, as she always tries to. Alison must’ve frozen Mona out because then Mona started making her way back to her house. You had to be there, Em. She looked so bummed about it. I don’t know – I paused to take another deep breath –, at first I thought I was just pitying her but, after I asked if she was okay, she smiled at me, kind of nervously. And then I realized it wasn’t pity. It was something more like empathy.

   I felt my own eyes gleaming at the thought and wondered if Emily had noticed it, or worse, classified it as weird. Her expression told me she was only thinking about my comment.

\- Hanna – she said, looking at her short nails –, I know this is none of my business and that I’m probably jumping to conclusions here, given the little time you and Mona actually know each other, but you are one of my best friends and I feel like I would regret it if I didn’t talk about this with you sooner or later.

\- Emily – it was my turn to touch her knee _and_ to be concerned –, we can talk about anything. Come on, you know that.

   She stopped paying attention to her nails and looked at me.

\- Do you think it’s possible that you're feeling something else towards Mona right now? Something other than just empathy?

    I will never know how to describe exactly what I felt while hearing that question, however I had an immediate reaction: move my right hand away from Emily’s knee. I guess I can say that I felt like someone was searching through my most intimate thoughts and there they found a secret that I didn’t even know I was keeping.

   I was genuinely frightened and my heart was like a galloping horse.

\- Why are you asking me this? – I felt my expression cold serious.

\- I’m asking you this because of the smiles, Hanna – she said, as if she wanted desperately for me to understand it –, I know those smiles. God, if only you knew how much I know them! – she tilted her head back a little, as if she wanted to prevent herself from crying – And I’m saying I know them because I give Alison most of mine.

   I was not ready to hear that name linked to that confession. I thanked the heavens for the wall that was behind that particular bench. With my back glued to it, I tried to assimilate all that Emily was telling him.

\- That means that you…

\- That I like Ali – she completed, as if she was repeating something she was already tired of saying –, as in “more than just a friend”.

   I kept quiet for quite a while.

\- _Alison?_ – I repeated almost to myself, trying to find a reason as to why someone like Emily would fall for someone like that girl – Why?

   Emily laughed shyly.

\- To be honest, I don’t know exactly why either. I think maybe deep down I believe she looks at me defferently sometimes, in a sweet way, in a way that just “the other one in the pair” can see.

   It was two revelations at once; the other one being that Emily liked girls. The latter was far less unpredictable, though, because, out of all of us, Emily was the only one that had never fallen for a boy before and she normally didn’t make comments about cute guys in magazines. She also was very sporty; she liked wearing mostly leggings, sneackers, sweats and she never, _ever_ showed her legs in puplic willingly – she only did it when she was at swim practice because, well, she had to. Of course being sporty was not the same thing as holding a sign saying “I’m a lesbian”, but it was sort of a contribuiting factor, I guess.

  The truth was that we all kind of already knew. We didn’t make comments about it, with or without Emily around, and until that moment I thought she would never touch base on that, given just how shy she was. But she did and the only thing surprising about it was her heart thief being… Alison.

\- Em? – I looked up to her after some time. She seemed to be waiting for some kind of response from me. – You know that I love you and that the possibility of not accepting you for who you are doesn’t exist for me, right?

\- Yeah – she nodded, her eyes gleaming with kindness.

\- But I still don’t understand – I said with watery eyes. – If Alison was capable of doing something good enough in order to make you fall in love with her, how is she also capable of doing what she does to Mona and so many other kids like her every day?

\- I wish I had the answer to that, sweetheart – she laid my head on her shoulder and we tenderly intertwined our fingers. – And I wish I could change that part of her more than anything. All I can say is that she is not a hundred percent like this. No one is, I guarantee you. Everybody has a good side, Alison’s just happens to be concealed to most people.

\- And why is that? – I asked, tears already running down my face.

   Emily waited to give me her answer, but then said it all at once, as if she was telling me something that should not be told.

\- Because she’s insecure.

   I lifted my head from her shoulder and frowned, wanting to say that she probably had mistaken our Alison with some other Alison out there, because Alison DiLaurentis was the last girl on Earth who could be classified as insecure. Emily sighed.

\- There are people like Mona – she continued, articulately –, who leave their insecurities visible to the naked eye, and there are people like Ali, who mask them perfectly. Ali thinks that the only way for people to notice her or respect her is to _make_ them notice her or respect her. Of course she will never admit it, but deep down she is just as scared of not being accepted as all of us.

   I let out a little snort.

\- I find that very hard to believe.

\- According to Spencer, that's one of the things you first learn on psychology school.

   I smirked.

\- Spencer doesn’t go to psychology school.

\- I know but she reads into it. She reads into everything! – Emily joked, pulling a laugh out of me – Do you believe me now?

   I stopped laughing and shook my head.

\- No. Because I saw her looking down at Mona in the cafeteria today. There was… some kind of wicked satisfaction in her eyes, as if seeing Mona on the floor gave her pleasure – I said, trying hard to push that memory away. – I mean, how in the world can you…

\- Love her? – she completed with a peaceful expression, playing with my hair.

\- Yeah – I confirmed, staring at her brow eyes almost in desperation. – Like, when did you know? What did she do?

   Emily laughed shyly and crossed her left leg over her right one.

\- Do you remember the summer before seventh grade? – she asked, a nostalgic grin on her face – The one when her dad built us the tree house in her backyard?

   I nodded, really glad that now I had a happy memory filling my mind. I slightly remembered that particular summer. It had been distinctly hot and all of us but Emily had spent most of its days in flowery dresses. For some reason it had been easier dealing with middle school Alison – who had indeed been a sweeter version of the girl.

\- Well, she used to take me there when you guys were not around – she continued, and just like the day before with Mona (they both had similar skin tones), I could see that Emily was blushing. – I remember this day specifically. The sun was coming down and we just sat there with our legs dangling. I also remember thinking she was stunning in this light pink dress and, damn it, she smelled like vanilla.

   I laughed along with Emily and, even though it was almost surreal to me, I tried to visualize the scene.

\- There was a moment when everything got really quiet. We could hear nothing except birds chirping. It was spooky in a way. She put a lock of my hair behind my ear and from that point forward I don’t know what was real and what I could have possibly made up because… she said something about me being her favorite and then… leaned in to kiss me.

   I was doing well with picturing it all in my head until my jaw ended up on the floor.

\- Oh, my freaking God! – I yelled, with the feeling of literally having not enough air in my lungs.

   Emily laughed yet trying to keep me quiet.

\- I know – she said. – I didn’t know how to react. I guess she didn’t want me to. Maybe she just… wanted to try it, I’m not sure. It lasted, like, a second, she barely touched my lips, but… God, it

0felt like heaven!

\- And then? – my eyes widened a little again.

\- Nothing – she shrugged. – She smiled at me and we never talked about it.

\- Gosh… - I exhaled. – I wish you had told us.

   Emily looked like she was sorry.

\- Me too – she whispered. – So do you believe me now? That she has a good side?

   I rested my head on her shoulder again.

\- I guess. But I’m still so confused, Em. Why can’t she be all good? – I asked, noticing that my voice was already faltering again, sounding childlike.

\- I don’t know, sweetie – she tenderly kissed my forehead. – But I promess you that she’s a work in progress. And while her progress isn’t complete, why don’t you try and think of something good Alison did to you? There has to be something, otherwise you wouldn’t be friends with her, right?

   I nodded, vaguely, while my mind flashed back to a sunny morning a year ago.

 

_It was the morning after Halloween. I was alone at the kitchen counter, eating the last brownies my mom had made for the special night. I had found them in the fridge and was on my fifth piece when Alison showed up from behind._

_\- Hey, Han, your mom let me… - she came in running, cheerfully, and then stopped._

_I swallowed the last bite of the brownie that was in my left hand and kept quiet, feeling probably the most embarrassed I’ve felt in my whole life._

_\- What are you doing? – Alison asked slowly, looking at the almost empty plate in front of me. Her voice was deep and almost sounded… concerned._

_\- Ali, don’t do this to me right now – I pleaded, doing my best to keep the tears inside my eyes._

_She sat next to me and I kept feeling her eyes on me even though I was keeping my head down._

_\- I won’t do anything – she said, and I was actually scared of how sweet her voice sounded. – But tell me, were you really that hungry or… you just couldn’t control yourself?_

_I didn’t look at her, just closed my eyes and started sobbing._

_\- Nevermind, I know the answer – she said, sounding a teeny bit prepotent._

_And then I finally stared at her, feeling helpless. It seemed like she got the message. She slid a napkin over the corners of my lips and put her arms around me. That was one of the very few times she hugged me for real and I let myself melt into her embrace._

_\- Please, Ali, help me – I begged her. – I don’t want to be like this anymore._

_\- Say no more, sweetie – she cupped one of my cheeks. – I can show you how to get rid of it._

 

\- She stood by the toilet with me and held my hair so I could throw up – I concluded after telling Emily all, now looking up at her.

\- Hanna, that is so dangerous! – her eyes widened.

\- I did it a few times but I don’t anymore, honest – I assured her.

\- It doesn't matter! It's life-threatening!

  I half smiled at her protectiveness.

\- But it’s a good memory I have of Ali – I shrugged. – Of course later on she used it to make subliminal jokes about me, like, whenever we would have a sleepover she would say “Hanna, did you bring your toothbrush? You wouldn’t wanna forget that, now, would you?”.

   Emily laughed slightly.

\- You just have to be strong and don’t let it get to you – she seemed to speak from experience. - And I know for a fact that you are incredibly strong.

\- Mona needs someone to tell her that – I said, starting to feel kind of depressed again.

\- Now, that might as well be you, huh?

\- I guess – I smiled, glad that Mona was filling my mind once again. - The truth is that I don’t know if this is in fact something else other than empathy. I just… Mona is so tiny! – Emily smiled along with me – And she seems so fragile, all the time. I’ve never seen how much she was suffering and now that I am seeing it… I can only think about protecting her. I need her to know that she has me and that she can rely on me. But I don’t know what it means.

   Emily gaved me an one-armed hug.

\- Shhh - she whispered, kissing my forehead once again. - You will find out sooner or later.

   I kept my arms around Emily's midsection tightly, trying to let her know that she was being wonderful.

  It was funny how when I was younger, in my moments of anger, I used to think that the four of us were friends just _because_ of Alison, that she was the gravitational center and we just orbited around her. God, I was so wrong! The way Emily was holding me made me ashamed of even thinking that once or twice in the first place. Our friendship, with or without Alison, was real, autonomous. It always had been.

\- Thank you – I said, not just because of her kind words, but because of her being her. – Thank you so much!

 


	5. You are beautiful

   After school, I insisted on waiting for Mona outside. I wanted to ask her if she would like to spend the rest of the afternoon with me at my house. I wasn’t sure what I'd say if any of the girls got to me before Emily. Fortunately, I saw the taller brunette coming down the frontal staircase of the school building soon enough. 

   I told her that I was hoping to get to spend some time with Mona. Then, I asked her, practically begging, if she could make some excuse up if someone asked about me later. Emily gave me one more of those sweet smiles of hers that always told people not to worry about a thing. 

\- Absolutely – she assured me, giving me a brief hug.

   Mona promptly accepted my invite, which allowed my shoulders to relax once again and, while walking slowly side by side with her towards my house, I crossed off my mental list every possible plan I could have for the rest of the afternoon with the other girls.

   I knew that the whole concept of choosing new friends over old ones sucked; I had been the victim of it many times, actually, and it hurt like hell but, even though I knew it better than anyone, I couldn’t help what I was feeling at the moment. Being with Mona was like going into the unknown. It was fresh and exciting. I had almost no clue who that girl really was, but I felt that there was a whole world of possibilities inside of her. I just had to get past the nerdy and shy façade.

   We went up the stairs to my room and I noticed that Mona looked around as if she was overly impressed by how I had decorated it all. She slowly approached my queen size bed.

\- May I? – she asked, and I could see through the little shy smile that she was rather excited as well. She had been right the day before. Nothing beated a pair of gleaming eyes.

\- Of course – I managed to casually respond. – Kick your shoes off and relax.

   I complied my own order, kicking off my own shoes after dropping my school bag onto the swivel chair in front of my desk. Mona slid her backpack off her shoulders and sat herself onto the bed, then lying on her back with her hands folded on her stomach. Her small body occupied only about a third of the mattress and she had her eyes pinned onto the ceiling. Her attention was on my purple chandelier. It seemed like she was waiting for me to tell her what we would do next. I smiled, however without making any other move. For a minute I just wanted to keep looking at that peaceful little creature.

   We had agreed, on our way there, to watch a black and white movie. Mona had told me earlier that she was fascinated by those, which I thought was funny because the girls and I were, too. Aria, Emily and Spencer were more into the sugar-coated romances while I enjoyed the comedies. Alison liked the tragedic ones, normally the those with major deaths in them. 

   We ended up watching _The Kid,_ a cute dramedy from the early 20s starring Charles Chaplin.

   We practically didn’t pull our eyes from the tv during the movie and, given that, our fingers softly collided sometimes when we tried to reach for the popcorn at the same time. Gosh, so cliché. So bittersweet. Mona apologized at those moments, as if she wasn’t allowed to touch me, but I truly didn't want her to apologize. 

   I couldn’t help missing some bits of the movie while thinking about Emily’s words. Was it more than just empathy? I discreetly sighed out of frustration a few times during those fifty minutes, feeling completely unable to find an answer to that question. But, honestly, every inch of me got warm whenever Mona's fingers brushed against mine. If _that_ wasn’t more than just empathy, I didn't know what it was.

   Right after we saw a _the end_ centered at a black screen, Mona laid her head on my shoulder. It was such a spontaneous move that it genuinely flattered me. Well, flattered me and made my mind scream “what the hell is happening to you?!” to the rest of me.

   I wanted desperately to put an arm around her, as I had done in the cafeteria at noon, but my problematic mind stopped me from doing so. Therefore, we just stayed there for a while, in silence. It was kind of indescribable, but having a part of her weight on me was making me feel, for the first time ever, actually _in place_. It felt right for me to be there next to her. If felt comfortable. It felt like we were in our own little world. It was such a genuine, nameless feeling that, for a moment, I had to close my eyes and just concentrate on my heartbeats. Calm, steady heartbeats.

\- I want to show you something – Mona said softly, but suddenly enough to make me shiver a bit in surprise.

   I voiced a curious “hmm?”. She picked up her backpack and placed it onto her lap. I thought she was going to show me a handmade treasure of hers, like she had promised she would the day before, but my quick assumption faded away when she led her fingers to a small pocket and then took from there a tiny and transparent plastic case. She opened it and took between the tips of her thumb and pointer finger an also transparent simicircle. I wasn’t sure what it was until she took off her glasses and put them away. She, very carefully, tilted her head back a bit and placed the thingy onto her right eyeball.

\- Wow – I said as she placed the other one onto her left eyeball. – When did you start wearing lenses?

\- I got them yesterday – she responded, coyly. – I don’t know exactly why but I kinda needed to know your opinion before I could start wearing them frequently.

   I was still impressed. I had never seen Mona’s eyes up close before. They were of a light tone of brown; I actually could distinguish some tones of honey in them as well, and for a second I thought I could lie there and play that “guess the eye color” game forever.

   Her eyes let out almost all there was to know about her, but there was also something intriguing about them, something that made me want to endlessly keep searching through them.

\- I think you look just as graceful with your glasses on – I smiled timidly and, again, the blush on her cheeks was visible.

\- Thank you.

\- But why the sudden change? – I put a hand behind my head. She did the same after puting her backpack back down.

\- I always kinda hated those glasses.

   Her smooth tone told me that she was finally starting to feel more comfortable.

\- Don’t say that – I replied, softly as well. – I think the glasses give you an even more peculiar look.

   Mona's lips curved into an ironic smile.

\- “Peculiar” is a word that people use when they don’t have anything nicer to say about you and don’t want to say you’re ugly – for some reason, she seemed extremely certain about such statement.

\- No – I promptly assured her, softly holding one of her wrists. – You’re simply… unique.

   Her ironic smile hadn't faded away.

\- And beautiful – I added.

\- Alright, stop – she cut me off in a harsh but mostly _hurt_ way, as if she had lost faith in the word “beautiful” a long time ago.

   I knew it. Alison had done that. She had _broken_ the most lovely girl. Mona was gazing downwards again as if she didn’t believe she was worthy of any compliment. I just _had_ to fix her.

\- Please – I whispered, feeling my own eyes getting watery as I tilted her head up to me with two fingers on her chin –, you are.

   I slid the back of my left hand along the right side of her face. Her send-colored skin was soft and uniform, completely free of blackheads and pimples, and she wasn’t wearing the slightest bit of makeup.

\- God, if only you knew how beautiful you are – I concluded in a faltering voice.

\- I will if you let me.

   The innocence I saw in those eyes, at that very moment, was of impossible explanation. Mona looked nervous, as if she was waiting for something to happen. I couldn’t resist. I laid my hand delicately on her right side and watched her close her eyes, as if she was trying to absorb that touch, which moved me as nothing had ever done before. We were in the same place and before I knew it I was leaning in to kiss her forehead, then the tip of her nose, and finally her lips, wishing harder than ever that she could realize just how beautiful she was.


	6. Our little eternity

   Neither of us had enough experience to get into a deep kiss, so we didn’t. We simply let our lips come together for a few seconds and I couldn't figure out if I wanted the moment to last longer or if I wanted to pull away just so I could get a good look at her and talk about it. The touch of Mona’s full lips felt warm and soft, exactly like everything else about her. 

   I was proud of myself for making the move. However, Mona kept her lips practically still, as if she didn’t know how to react or, worse, didn’t want to. Given that, cold ran up and down my spine. It felt more than right to me, but for a moment I wondered if I had been right about the whole "being in the same place" thing. Fortunately, in the last couple of seconds, I felt Mona moving her lips forward just a little. She was definitely kissing me back and both happiness and relief reached my soul.

   I moved away slowly and noticed the track of a tear along the right side of her face. She wasn’t making eye contact and I wasn’t sure if she was moved by what had just happened or if she was merely upset. Of course I was hoping for the first option but expecting the latter.

- Oh, Mon... – my concern overcame me. – I'm so sorry, I should've asked you first.

- Han, it's okay – she cut me off in a whisper, running her right hand along my left arm. – It’s just that… I had never kissed anyone before and… now I’m so glad that I did it with someone who actually cares about me.

   And then there was that smile, inviting me to survey her features once again. Suddenly I could see beyond her watery brown eyes and her lenses and everything. She was so _pure_. Her heart was full of treasures. I just wondered why no one had ever seen those besides, now, me. And then I wished really, really hard that _she_ had been my first kiss – not some stupid older boy who had kissed me because of a stupid bet at one of the stupid parties Alison used to invite us to out of pity.

\- I really do care about you, Mona – I assured her, gently pinching her cheek, again in a faltering voice. – Actually, you have just no idea _how much_ I care about you.

   After hearing that, she tentatively snuggled close to me. Her warm body gently pressed against mine made my blood boil. It was as if my arms were surrounding an entire world - her quirky and gorgeous world. 

   Only God knows how long we spent holding each other like that, because I honestly didn’t care about keeping track of time. It just felt like our own little eternity. I didn't try to move away and neither did she. It felt right for me to hold her just like it had felt right for me to kiss her. I knew that there was no other place on Earth I'd rather be.

   After we disentangled, I felt as refreshed as I would feel if I had woken up from a very good night’s sleep. Mona looked up at me and somehow she seemed older, wiser, more sure of herself. She caressed the left side of my face as if she was analyzing me from inside out; an almost imperceptive smile was on her lips.

\- I love you, Hanna – she stated, and she seemed so serene while doing it, so convinced of her feelings.

   I didn’t bother at all with labelling that love, I just knew I was feeling it too, and it was strong like nothing I had ever felt before. It made me feel alive.

\- I love you too, Mona.


	7. A new Mona

   Once the words were out, we just stayed there, lying on our backs for quite a while, staring at the ceiling in complete silence. I had my hands folded on my stomach and I didn’t have to gaze at Mona to know that she remained in the very same position.

\- I want to change – she said with her eyes still pinned onto the ceiling.

   I eyed her, frowning.

\- What do you mean? 

   She laid her eyes on me as well, seeming slightly desperate.

\- I don’t want to be Loser Mona anymore.

\- We’ve talked about this, haven’t we? - I smiled, trying once again to comfort her -  You're not a loser.

\- You may think that, but the rest of that school doesn't agree with you.

\- I’m pretty sure Aria, Emily and Spencer agree with me.

\- Okay, four people against… how many kids go to that school again?    

  I laughed timidly and then sighed.

\- You shouldn’t care about what people think of you, I honestly speak from experience.

\- I know I shouldn’t. But I do. And I don’t know how to stop doing it.    

   I kept quiet for a while, trying to think of a good enough answer, and then I took her left hand in my right one, squeezing it slightly.

\- Why don’t you believe that more people can accept you the same way I did?    

   She gave me a sheepish smile, brushing her thumb against the back of my hand and, for the third time in two days, I could perfectly see her blushing.

\- You're just… a crazy exception.    

   I sighed once again.

\- What can I possibly say to make you start liking yourself?

\- You can help me not to be like this anymore. Because I don’t want to.    

   That was when it hit me. I had been just as desperate before. And there was simply nothing I could say to make her feel better. She was helpless inside. But I had to really help her, not force her to do something that would put her health in danger, like what Alison had done to me months ago.

\- Come with me – I said, quickly standing up, grabbing my wallet from my purse and then running down the stairs with Mona behind me.

\- Where are we going? – she asked while following me out of the house, cheerful like a child.

\- It’s a surprise – I told her while trying to contain my own excitement.

    I tried to change the subject a couple of times while we were walking towards the place, but Mona always ended up asking where we were going and it was so fun seeing her innocent little face lightening up at every place that had the slightest possibility of being our final destination.

     We stopped in front of the beauty salon that my mom and I went to almost every weekend.

\- Woah – she exhaled, seeming pretty impressed while looking at the building’s façade. – It looks fancy. I don’t know if I'll be able to…

\- Hey – I gently cut her off, touching her shoulder. – Let me handle this.

    I was already pulling her inside by one hand when _she_ decided to cut me off.

\- No, Hanna. You’ve done so much for me already in so little time. I can’t let you do this too.

\- You said changing was gonna make you happy. Please, let me make you happy.

    Mona thought about my offer for a while, but, again, I could see that beautiful gleam inside her light brown eyes and I could tell that she was dying to experience that type of glamour for the first time.

\- In case you’re wondering – I continued, softly -, no, I’m not doing this out of guilt. I just… I want you to be confident. And if a makeover is what you need to be like that, then it's what I want to give you. Please.

    She bit her bottom lip.

\- Are you really, really sure?

    I nodded, smiling, and, seconds later, asked the receptionist if it was possible for them to make a spot for Mona Vanderwaal between the clients of the afternoon. I gazed and smiled again at her right after saying her full name. The young girl at the reception desk nodded and asked us to wait for a bit. We sat on the chairs that were lined up next to the front door.

    Mona kept her hands between her knees. She seemed nervous as if, instead of being at a beauty salon, she was waiting to go into a dentist’s office to have a tooth pulled out. I didn’t quite understand it at first, given how insistent she had been, a few minutes ago, about a makeover being exactly what she wanted to start feeling confident, but it was cute anyway.

    She finally noticed that she was being excessively observed and laughed coyly. I did the same. We didn’t talk much until Heather, me and my mom’s hairdresser, called out Mona’s name.

    I knew Heather ever since I had started wanting to have my nails done every now and then, like my mom - I was probably about nine or ten years old. The woman was a tall natural red-haired at her early thirties with enviable long and curly hair.

    At first, Heather didn’t seem to notice Mona right next to me. She approached us with a curious smile on her lips.

\- Hanna, hi. Did you schedule something for today? Because if you did, sorry, I don’t remember.

\- Actually, no – I pulled Mona closer to me. – Heather, this is my friend Mona. She wants to… - I let the sentence stay unfinished. Mona hadn't told me what she wanted to change about herself.

\- Be pretty – Mona completed, smiling, which made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Heck, beauty was a matter of point of view, wasn’t it? And, to me, Mona was very charming on her own unusual way.

    Heather and I gazed at each other during the short silence.

\- Alright, then, Mona – the woman suddenly said in a cheerful voice, walking over to one of the black upholstered chairs that stood in front of a long mirror. – Come sit over here and tell me what you want me to do with you.

\- Can you give me just one second, please? – Mona asked, raising an index finger.

\- Sure – Heather smiled.

    Mona turned to me.

\- Can you wait for me at your house? I promise that as soon as I’m done here I’ll swing by my house to get the money to pay you back and then I’ll go straight back to yours.

\- Hey – I cupped the right side of her face with my left hand –, I will consider it a capital offense if you decide to pay me back, do you hear me?

\- But…

\- No buts, Mona – I cut her off in a low voice. – Listen, take it as thank you gift. You know, for this new friendship. Can you do that?

\- Okay – she whispered with a smile after a second more of pondering.

\- But why do you want me to go?

\- Because… I also wanna be able to surprise you.

    Mona confessed that in such an extreme level of maturity and suddenly she had her eyes calmly laid on mine, no longer seeming nervous or insecure. It was as if “surprise me” was going to be a very important part of her boosting her self-esteem. I smiled, realizing just how much I had enjoyed the smoothness of her voice at the moment, and gave her my wallet.

\- Don’t be afraid to use it, okay? – I kissed her forehead – I know you’re capable of getting out of here looking like Beyoncé.

    She laughed and I made my way out of the place.

    It was understandable why Mona didn’t like the idea of spending other people's money; she had a very humble soul and I really admired that in her, but what could I possibly do? My mom earned a good salary working at the bank and I definitely could not complain about the allowance she gave me. My dad always had a good financial condition as well. He ran off to Annapolis a couple of years ago so he could get married again to a rich lady named Isabel and the alimony that my mom and I received from him was also pretty generous.

   With the money that was monthly given to me, I bought everything I needed to be one of "the chosen" by Alison DiLaurentis; however, shopping _did_ get boring sometimes, and plenty of that money was often left over, so, now that I had the chance of actually helping someone with it, why would I not take it?

    I spent the rest of the afternoon watching Paranormal Activity in my bed with a bowl half full of Oreos beside me. Mona had been under Heather’s care for an hour and a half now, and I was unbelievably bored. My mom didn’t come home before seven and the silence around me was almost disturbing.

    I got up and took my phone, thinking it would be nice to talk to one of the girls. Once I had the gadget between my fingers I noticed there was a missed call from Emily and a text message from Spencer that said "Spanish, Hanna. You didn’t forget about it, did you?". I mentally cursed. Yes, Spence, I did. But, like, who cares about a second language while being in high school anyway?

    I reluctantly started searching among my notebooks for a text printed on two sheets titled _Calentamiento Global_. I went back to my bed and started to read, slowly, the first few sentences, but then keeping my eyes open became a hard task. The words started to mix themselves up before me. I didn’t want to read that stupid text and fight global warming was not on my list of life goals.

    I wanted Mona to come back. I was curious to see her with the new look. Actually, it kind of didn’t even matter. I just wanted her back. I also wanted to talk to Emily. I wanted to ask her if she missed Alison that much when she was not around. I wanted to know what was Emily’s secret for not to go nuts given the fact that we all spent our days hanging out with Alison, as best friends. I wanted to tell Emily about the moment Mona and I kissed and about how good it felt, but I also wanted to say that I _still_ wasn’t sure what it all meant, that I still had so many doubts.

    I fell into a light sleep with the spanish text between my fingers and it gradually slid off the bed. I was woken up by someone sitting carefully on the edge of the bed. I slowly opened my eyes and my lips curved themselves into a large smile.

\- Mona! – I exclaimed in a low voice – How did you get in?

\- Your mom said I had permission to wake you up – she replied in the exact velvety voice she had used to say that she wanted to surprise me, hours earlier.

    She seemed undeniably more mature, more confident. Her eyes were serenely laid on mine and an imperceptible soft grin barely curved her lips. It was as if she was sort of contemplating me. I turned to my left so I could see the time on the digital clock that was on my nightstand. 7:35.

\- You took long – I murmured sleepily, rubbing one of my eyes. She wasn’t late, actually. I would often take a good couple of hours when going to the saloon myself. But it just felt like something I needed to say. I wanted her to know that I had missed her.

\- I’m sorry – she said smoothly, taking my wallet out of the right pocket of her jeans skirt. – I still feel bad about not paying you back, you know?

\- Hey – I held her left hand. – Did you forget about the capital offense?

    She laughed coyly, lowering her gaze for a second.

\- Let me give you a list of everything I did there, then, so you can at least get a hold of how much I spent there.

\- I don’t care about how much you spent there, Mona – I emphasized, going for her left hand timidly. – All I care is how you’re feeling after coming back from there.

\- I feel great – she replied after a while, squeezing my hand softly, which made my heart skip a couple of beats again.

     I was just realizing that the tips of her hair were wavy now and it all seemed well hydrated. She was also wearing a slight bit of makeup; a cherry-colored lipstick emphasized her full lips, and I wasn’t able to take my eyes off them for a good few seconds. I blinked, trying to look alive.

\- And you look beautiful.

    She laughed coyly again, although she thanked me, as if, for the first time in her life, she didn’t believe in the opposite. Then she got up and took a few steps to the empty left side of the bed, so she could lie down next to me.

    Even though she was wearing the same washed-out jeans skirt and the same white socks – that went just a palm below her knees – with her grey and already pretty worn Converse shoes, I was definitely beside a new girl and I was proud of her, because now she seemed to be proud of herself.

\- Mona, would you like to sleep over here tonight? - the proposal went out without my consent, but my heart was beating so fast that there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it.

\- I didn’t bring any pajamas – she pointed out the obvious. A sweet grin was still curving her reddened lips.

\- I can lend you one of mine, if you don’t mind the fact they’re all a bit larger than you.

    She laughed audibly now, in a sweet way that made me melt inside, and rested her head on my right shoulder, like she had done earlier that afternoon.

\- Yes, Han, I would love to.


	8. Sleepover

   After we ate dinner, Mona and I decided to end the night watching Hannibal Lecter.

   Also in the horror department, I remember that, in seventh grade, Mona used to like Fear Factor.

\- But it's _so_ cool watching them eat the worms! – she had said to us once, cheerfully and rather surprised with us disliking the show so much.

   The thing is that we all thought back then that a reality show where young people eat insects for money was kind of insane, not to say other things. Alison was right beside me that particular day, rolling her eyes and discreetly mouthing _not that -_ a thing we used to say as a game whenever we saw something too bizarre or awkward around school or Rosewood as a whole. However, one day, yet in seventh grade, I was home alone and I decided to give the freak show a shot. It was kind of fun, actually, and it gave me some resistance considering gore horror movies and cockroaches that eventually strolled around the kitchen at night. But, mostly, it made me understand a bit of that tiny girl who never left for school without a book. In fact, thanks to Fear Factor, I felt I’d like to start a friendship with Mona Vanderwaal.

   Since then I felt that Emily was the most understanding one of the group. She was incredibly shy and hated a lot of Alison’s extravaganzas, but I was too scared to talk to her about this need I had of making Mona my friend, and I had no idea why. Therefore, I had spent more than two years wanting a new friend – and seeing that _she_ was in need of one as well - and done absolutely nothing about it.

   Now, in between scenes of the movie, I gazed at Mona with the corner of my right eye. I was so proud to have her in my life, as my actual friend! The years I had made her and myself wait for it to happen kind of didn’t matter. God, she had grown so much! More in that very afternoon than in those two years, I’d say.

   Her face was clean now from all the makeup and she had already taken her lenses off; her hair was loosely tied in a pony tail and even though she had already brushed her teeth – I told her that there was a toothbrush that hadn’t been used yet inside the bathroom cabinet over the sink –, her full lips were still kind of naturally red.

\- Ah, that’s enough! – Mona said, covering her eyes with her hands, adorably childlike – If you asked me "dramedy or horror?" I'd say horror but I also have limits.

   I was so absorbed in watching her that I didn’t even realize what scene she was trying to ignore. I laughed, though, and turned the tv off, turning off the lamp that stood on my nightstand right after.

\- Good night – I said.

\- Good night – she responded sweetly and turned around to sleep. I supposed to myself that she was happy.

   Probably two more people could fit in the empty space between us in that bed. I didn’t know if I felt relieved or sad about the fact. Probably both, but I tried to ignore it and go to sleep anyway, turning around to the opposite side. It was all working fairly well until I had a nightmare, in which I saw myself lying unconscious on the ground. The image was pretty blurry – as well as in every dream, I think – but I was able to tell it was an older and – who would say? – thinner version of me. It was night time and I could see there were trees around my motionless self, as if I was next to the woods or something. I could also see the kneeling figures of my three best friends, Aria, Emily and Spencer, around me. I saw Aria picking up her cell phone that was right beside her on the ground.

\- She knew too much, A – she recited trembling, as if she was reading something on the screen, maybe a text message.

   I heard Emily’s _Oh, my God!_ and, right after it, Spencer yelled at the top of her lungs a desperate _Help!_

   I woke up trying to breathe through my mouth. My heartbeats were probably never _that_ fast in my whole life. I pulled the covers up to my neck. _A?_ What the hell did _A_ stand for? Anonymous? Like, an anonymous text message? I shut my eyes closed. _What did that dream mean?_ I didn’t want to think.

   The window was open but the room was almost completely dark. I wanted to cry but I tried to control myself for as long as possible. My mom would probably say “this is what you get from watching horror movies at this time of night”, but I knew I wouldn’t have woken up like that if I had dreamed about Regan, from The Exorcist.

   I shook my head, trying to push out of my mind those theories that said every dream is some sort of premonition. I was still shaken up, so I called for Mona, but all I got in response was the deafening silence. When I turned to her side, I could see that she remained peacefully asleep, sweetly curled up on the edge of the bed. I started moving slowly closer to her until just a narrow empty slit could separate us from each other.

   Once more, I let my trembling left hand rest on the curve of Mona’s waist. Her back was moving discreetly up and down given her calm breathing. I exhaled slowly and she slightly shifted in place. I froze, scared to death that she might turn around. My throat went dry and I started feeling a bit ashamed. What would I say if she woke up? Luckly, she – unconscious, I guess – pulled my left hand to the center of her stomach and just kept holding it like a lucky charm or something. I felt warm inside, wanted and so, so _safe_ , like no one ever made me feel before. I closed my already watery eyes and it was like she was _letting_ me pull her even closer to me.

   We were genuinely cuddling now, as if we were… a couple. The thought would normally frighten me like hell. I had never, ever, considered doing such thing with girls, not even my girls, but now it was sort of making me feel free of something, although I didn’t even know what that thing was. The only thing I knew was that the warm skin of her bare feet brushing against my toes felt really good. I wanted to whisper that in her ear, I wanted her to know how good it felt for me to hold her and feel her back moving up and down, now right next to my chest. I kept quiet, though, appreciating the scent of lavender that emanated from her neck, which reminded me of a baby cologne or something naïve and fresh like that. The smell was almost paradisiacal and it quickly helped me going back to sleep. The difference was that this time I _knew_ there would be no more nightmares.

   I woke up before seven and realized that I was _still_ glued to Mona’s body. It seemed we hadn’t moved at all during the whole night. Very much against my will, I moved away from her, just so my mom wouldn’t see us in that… situation. God, she was just so cute when she was sleeping! It would definitely hurt having to wake her up, so I went downstairs to avoid the task for at least a couple more minutes. However, Mona got to the kitchen while I was pouring milk into a bowl of cereal.

\- Good morning – I couldn’t help smiling.

\- Good morning – she smiled back, rubbing her right eye.

   If it was possible, she looked even more adorable now, because I could actually see just how loose that light yellow pajama shirt was on her tiny body. She looked sleepy but not at all cranky. But then again, it wasn’t part of this girl’s nature to get cranky, ever. I wondered if she remembered anything from last night.

   She sat facing me at the table and started pouring cereal into the bowl that was in front of her. I wanted to talk, yet I liked the comfortable silence between us. An imperceptive grin barely curved her lips, but it was as if she knew something. Something too sacred to share out loud. It was like a very intimate inside joke.

   My mom turned to us with a cup of coffee in her right hand.

\- So, did you girls sleep well? – she casually asked.

   I felt my cheeks heating up. I gazed at Mona with sort of a malicious smile, but I didn’t know if she would be able to get it. Surprisingly, we met eyes in a way that let me _knowing_ that she remembered just how close we got to be last night. Her smile widened a little, as if we were telepathically joking again, but I rapidly went back to eating my own cereal.

\- Yes, we did, Mrs. Marin – Mona responded kindly. – Thanks a lot for letting me stay over.  


End file.
